Why I Judge People By Their Tote Bags

To begin, this is not shallow. This is literary anthropology. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who carry tote bags and those who live dangerously.

The tote bag is more than a bag. It is a declaration of identity, a walking thesis statement with reinforced stitching. And yes, I absolutely judge people by theirs.

You do too. Don’t lie.

The thing about tote bags is that they always reveal something — about your politics, your emotional state, your relationship to capitalism, and whether you’ve ever actually read War and Peace or just carried it around like a hardcover personality trait.

So, in the interest of public service and uninvited social commentary, I present:

A Field Guide to Tote Bags and the People Who Carry Them

1. The “Strand Bookstore” Tote

You are either an East Coast intellectual in denial about how much you talk over people, or a college freshman pretending to be both of those things. You have strong opinions about font pairings, secretly fear you peaked during Y2K, and weep when your favorite Moleskine is out of stock.

You call your exes “narrative arcs.”

2. The Canvas Bag With a Quote by James Baldwin

You’re trying hard not to start a fight but will do so gracefully if provoked. You write emails that begin with “Just circling back!” and end with full-blown emotional essays. You have a collection of enamel pins that cost more than your desk chair.

People think you’re calm. You are not.

3. The Bag That Simply Says “Books.”

Minimalist. Chaotic. Dangerous.

You’re a quiet maximalist in disguise. You’ve either read 200 books this year or none. No one will ever know because you refuse to use Goodreads out of principle. You once broke up with someone because they used the phrase “content consumer.”

You scare me, and I admire you.

4. The Local Indie Bookstore Tote No One Else Recognizes

You are a niche icon. You have one viral tweet, two cats, and three unfinished drafts of your memoir. You believe in fanzines, eye contact, and the future. You own several statement jackets. Friends described you as “hopelessly devoted” to your to-do list.

I want to be you, and also I think we dated.

5. The “I Got This for Free at a Literary Event” Tote

You are a gremlin of the best kind. You thrive on free pens and power dynamics. Your purse is full of loose tea, bus transfers, and obscure literary trivia. You once went on a rant about why poetry should be printed on receipts. You apologize by quoting Rumi out of context.

You’re not okay, and that’s why you’re perfect.

But let’s get serious for a second.

I used to think my tote bag was just a bag. Now I know it’s an emotional support item with straps.

I’ve used mine to carry books I don’t have time to read, snacks I pretend are for later, and anxiety I haven’t named yet. It’s held everything from lipstick to library fines. It’s a soft, cottony metaphor for the version of myself I hope other people see.

So yes, I judge people by their tote bags—but only because I’m also trying to be understood by mine.

See you in the margins,

  – Bookstore Geek (currently spiraling in Helvetica)